Crisis of Faith

As I write this, my faith hangs as claws dug into a chalkboard, slipping and making an obscene racket. Life is hard. I have often even, exclaimed that life sucks. Yet how precious is life! What would we do to extend our own lives, or even that of our loved ones? Anything. But as experience shows, such iron resolve is in vain, and largely irrelevant as events overtake our lives and best laid plans like an incoming tide over a sand castle. As individuals, we can effect woefully little; the Bible tells us, we cannot make ourselves any taller, or our hair, any blacker. Where then the cause for arrogance? It must come from stupidity, or else one is living in denial.

As I do. Not intending to be coolly self-deprecating, I count myself most unworthy of a Christian. Bitter, cynical, angry; carnal, worldly, and alienated, I am in speech, and action, near indistinguishable from the heathen. Yet I am a Christian because I believe in the God of the Bible, and have a relationship with Him; a relationship I am ashamed to admit that I am often running away from, as a man flees truth or his own shadow. Not the finest specimen, by far.

In this state of spiritual drunkenness, I didn't think I had much to lose; especially considering that I had lost so much already, I fancied myself a walking dead man, and did whatever i should not, as a vent of rage, a raised fist, a feeble self-destructive protest.

But in fact, though I seldom realise it, I am very well blessed. This was rammed home to me in the shape of a 'domestic emergency'. Too many of the most precious things in life are taken for granted – it is a terrible thing that we often realise how blessed we are only when we're on the brink of losing something really, really precious. It scared me, shocked me. What is the meaning of this, I cried to the Lord; why is this happening to me; in what way could it benefit the Creator of the universe to put His child through trial after trial, and sorrow after sorrow that our mortal frame can hardly bear? Why?! I implored in despair and rage.

After calming down somewhat, I could feel in my bones that the correct question was not 'why?' but 'what.' What was I supposed to learn from this crisis, what is God trying to tell me? Well, the thing that I came to realise, is how blessed I was. And the effect of this simple realisation is a huge Stop sign for me. I have to change my outlook; change my way of life, in order to make the most of what I have been blessed with. I'm not out of the woods yet, I could still lose; but one must make the most and not waste our life and time on things of no profit to the heart and soul. Treasure the people around us, and treasure ourselves, is what I've come to realise. So simple that it sounds a cliché; but it sure got me stumped.